Well.....I woke up on the floor this morning ( no, I didn't fall off ) and I could tell you in a reader's digest version of how I got there but then there wouldn't be much of a blog soooo.....
I could go into a loooooong story about growing up and what I believed and blah blah blah but I'm more of a pen and paper type of girl and then I type…….but I have no pen. I did have one…actually I had 3 but they have seemed to vanish so now I have none. Therefore I'm typing this...my thoughts in live action ( eek )…..grumble grumble…..so I'm gonna use a metaphor instead.
2 I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” 3 I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again? 4 My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. 5 I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. 6 I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure.[a] I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. 7 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! 8 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you— if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love. -Song of Songs 5:2-8
My biggest fear is to be content with my level of intimacy with God. I always want to be moving closer into him...never stopping...never ceasing to cleave to the lover of my soul. The majority of my life was spent being very religious and legalistic but real intimacy I knew nothing of.......but then I heard my "Lover" knocking
3" I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?" Song of Songs 5:3
This chick is basically saying to this guy that she has already got comfortable in her bed and it would be an inconvenience for her to get up again. Thats often our trouble.....Jesus is inconvenient and we like to be comfortable. I was so comfortable being the "good little church girl" so comfortable being balanced....admired.............so comfortable in my religion and with my stone heart ( in the bed that I made ) so why change? Well because I caught a glimpse of him. Who he really was and I fell in love...instantly. I had never felt so much passion and so much brokeness before.....I had never felt so loved yet I've never cried so hard.
4 "My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. 5 I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. 6 I opened for my beloved."
Someone said that intimacy with Christ is like the game of tag. I don't remember who said it but I liked it. Its forever seeking him out and him coming to meet with you. Its an obsession for the "extremists". The forever seeking of our Beloved...not that he is lost...its just there is always more of him. I love Jesus Culture's song Obsession...
"What can I do with my obsession
With the things I can not see
It's a madness in my being
It's the wind that blows the tree
Sometimes your further than the moon
Sometimes your closer than my skin
You surround me like a winter fall
You come and burn me with a kiss
And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you."
A true lover of God knows that feeling.....it's as if your heart is truly ablaze. Nothing else matters but God......
"God above me and within me and below me and before me and behind me and God ALL about me!"- CS. Lewis
' 7 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! 8 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you— if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.'
You will be persecuted and the truth is sometimes it's believers who will be persecuting you. Every move of God has been rejected by a large part of Christians and the church body. I asked God about this once and this is what he told me...." I will always be offensive to people...even believers because I will never fit into anyones theological box." Now please don't misunderstand me...I'm a huge fan of church and of spiritual authority as long as we never lose sight of the ONLY authority....he trumps them all but yes in the multitude of counselors there is safety. We weren't meant to do this alone. I promise you though that when you develop preconceived ideas about God ( that aren't in the Bible)....that is when he will burst your bubble...his ways are higher. Thats why we have to always be seeking. Yes, you will receive opposition to what God wants to do for you but no man can block your destiny. AND its not a competition...there are no crowbars required in the kingdom of Heaven. Our "Sonship" releases our inheritance. So I suppose it comes down to the question of " Do you trust God to take you where he said he would?" He has brought you through the water and you haven't drowned yet. :-) God doesn't change his mind....if he said he would do it...he will! Trust and in the meantime blossom where you are planted. Depend on the Father! Dependence on the Holy Spirit's guidance is a mark of true humility. Remember if God is for us...who can be against us?
" You probably have days where you feel defeated, conflicted, weak, outmatched...etc....but God's word calls you a conqueror actually it calls you more than a conqueror and part of what I think that means is that while a conqueror acquires by force or obtains by effort....you being more than a conqueror acquire and obtain by grace. We are fighting on a different level. We don't fight to victory....we fight from victory because Christ won the victory!"- Steven Furtick
Ok I'm on a bunny trail....back to well...where ever I was hoping to go with this....
Ok so about a year or so ago I had a dream ( God seems to enjoy speaking to me in dreams ) It was my wedding day and I was getting ready in this room in a church....I knew I was getting married but I didn't know to whom so I was kinda freaking out.....then one by one every boyfriend I ever had came into the room and I turned everyone of them down. Then all of a sudden I was in the church with my dad....waiting to go down the aisle.....I still didn't know who I was marrying. I kept trying to get a glimpse at the front of the church but I couldn't see......then I turned around and all my bridesmaids were standing around me wearing white dresses which I thought was strange because usually only the bride wears white then this was even more strange these were my bridesmaids....Sister Blythe ( who is like 95 years old ), Joyce ( also old), Candy Kidd, Martha Deyo and Angela Hinson. They all held me and said "its ok we have all gone before you". That was the end of the dream.....this dream haunted me for 6 months....I mean I thought well Its true that I don't know who I will marry so that part I thought I had down but the bridesmaids confused me mostly because yes I look up to all of those women in some way but the only ones that I'm really close to is Martha and Angela. Then Finally God told me....the unseen groom represented Jesus.....the bridesmaids were women that I have looked up to who are also brides of Christ and now it is my time to accept my identity in Jesus and take my place in this line up of amazing women/sisters. So I then proceeded to have the most amazing year with God...awesome. Then 2010 came and its been...well hard...not my favorite but God is amazing and this is what I know....where you are right now is training for where God wants to take you...even if you can't imagine how. Also, we should always wait and respond to God...don't react to situations. How your heart reacts speaks volumes about your character. So now I suppose I should get to the floor bit. Well I was lying in bed...trying to go to sleep...then there came that familiar still small voice....." get on the floor" ummmm.....ok ....so I got on the floor........Nothing.......just laid there for a moment. Then I heard my dad downstairs listening to craig david.....
( and singing loudly:
"Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more" )
Although the temptation to sing back was very high ( like father like daughter ;-) ) I got up and closed my door and turned on "Dance with me" by Jesus Culture......my REAL Father was trying to meet with me and I could not be distracted. So I got back on the floor and held my hands out and asked the Holy Spirit to come...... then I heard " read the book of Ruth" ...............so up I got and turned on the light and read Ruth......Ok lets be honest....I've never been fan of Ruth (sorry) I always thought that she went to the threshing floor to seduce a drunk rich guy so that he would sleep with her then feel bad and marry her. So after rereading chapter 3 like 10 times...finally I got it...( i know i know i'm so smart ) she was proposing to him...which is also weird but not in a symbolic sense. She uncovers his feet and then lays down below them which is awesome....she was basically saying "i'm your servant, your my authority...I am yours". Ruth had been blessed in the field of Boaz but she knew the real blessing was at the feet of Boaz. She wanted more than the blessings.....she wanted the BLESSER. As the story goes on we see that she goes from a favored servant to beloved wife.
When I was little I tried to change my name to Mary....I told everyone in preschool that my name was actually Mary...and I didn't know who this "Tegan" was that they spoke of. My preschool was a christian school and they were really into plays...for some reason. So my teacher came and asked me if I would like to be Mary in the play and sit at Jesus's feet. Well......this little boy named LaShawn was playing Jesus.....I didn't like LaShawn.....he always pulled my hair so I declined thus I became Martha instead.
So I read the five love languages a few years back and one day I was driving down the road praying and God said to me "Tegan, what are your love languages?" .....ok so of course God never asks a question to find out the answer....he knows the answer. I think its to get us involved....or something.... anyway I said " quality time and physical touch." and then he said " so why are you loving me like Martha when I called you to love me like Mary?" Wow. I had to pull over for a while haha. Anyway, Mary knew that Blessing was at the feet of Jesus.
So basically....me sleeping on the floor was just symbolic of "being at his feet". Jesus is our kinsman redeemer. At his feet is blessing, favor and covering. He takes us from favored servant to beloved bride of Christ. Which doesn't mean we stop serving.....actually I think we serve him all the more.
